It’s an early December morning, and my first morning back in Shelburne Falls since flying in from Denver just yesterday. My mother is asleep in the next room, but I arrived home from the airport not even 24 hours ago with enough time to throw on a pretty dress before my best friend Joe picked me up for his office Christmas party, so, I haven’t had the chance to see her yet. Or my father. Alas, I’m awake with my coffee in a little blue bedroom, comfortable under a blanket that feels extra soft, like it decided to turn into perfectly knit together clouds just for me. My new flannel pajamas smell like the rose water I spritzed on myself before I climbed into bed late last night.
And although I am exhausted after a long and unfortunately sleepless night, I got to watch the sun get up. The day will be cloudy, but that’s OK because the trees look the nicest that way, wrapped in fog instead of leaves, naked outside in the winter, but not cold because they are older than than we will ever grow to be and mother nature has blessed them with magic abilities. All the colors of winter have made everything outside look simple, and therefore perfect.
When I walked downstairs to get coffee I could smell the hard wood floors and the smoke from the fireplace, which smells like burnt bricks and summer roasted marshmallows. Oh, and then the Christmas tree. That glorious sight of a lit Christmas tree first thing in the morning. And all the early silence of the day around you. Maybe someone is shoveling next door, and you can smell the cold of the snow.
I feel sad for those who cannot experience these quiet Christmas mornings in the country in New England, and I am sure you’re tired of hearing this from me, but I cannot shut up about the things in life I am most obsessed with, which are usually feelings. I wish you could understand that country life here is different than anywhere else, and I wish you could understand why and how it is so. Like I always say, there’s just this feeling in the air. Think back to a moment when your heart felt at complete peace, and you have that airy, powerful feeling of such happiness billowing up and out through your body, from your very core, that is so thick with soul you could cry. You feel inspiration for life, not scared of death, and the strong need to love and be loved.
The owner of Cali & Mo is an incredibly amazing woman, and she kindly helped me make this simple brown gift box look like a fancy treasure from heaven. You can’t see it so well in this picture (and I am sorry for that, because it’s incredible), but there is an obscene amount of gold glitter in the center of this bow. Inside contains the perfect gift for my sweet mama.
I envy the people in this world who are able to deal with a broken heart… They make sense of it, accept what is, move on….
I am the kind of person who is simply and easily breakable; and when I get put back together, I break again, as if my bones and my skin were not made with the capability to be held together by nails or glue.
And admitting so “makes you strong,” they say. I don’t like irony today.
And I just want to get some sleep. And if that was love, I don’t want to do it again.